Bert Hellinger
Short Lectures during a Workshop in Taiwan on 2001

Held by Bert Hellinger in October 12-14, 2001 at a workshop at Taiwan ( Netra was the organizer of that workshop). You´ll read about some parts of family constellations performed by Hellinger on stage as well.

Truth
Trusting a Greater Soul
The Dignity of the Therapist
The Double Shift
Orders of Love between Systems
Problems are Supported by a Good Conscience
The Collective Conscience and its Laws
On Love
On Couples' Relationships
Dramatic Feelings
Honouring the Sufferings of the Chinese Women

Truth

In the beginning I want to say something about truth. I don't know how it is among the Chinese. In Europe, they very often want to find out the real truth, the eternal truth even, the unchangeable truth. This kind of truth that is eternal and unchangeable, is only in the mind.

Real truth is different. It is always a part of the truth. You never can get the complete truth. And not one man can have the complete truth. But the experiences of many people and many nations and many cultures come close to the truth. It may not be quite true, but it is valid. This is the most important part of truth, whether it is valid.

The truth comes to light. But behind that light, much remains in the dark. The truth comes to light and sinks back again into the dark. After some time, it comes up again, is slightly changed and sinks back again.

This happens in family constellations. We never get the complete truth. But something important comes to light. It is a part of the whole only, and it sinks back again. After some time it comes up, has developed in a certain way, and it sinks back again.

Now if you have seen something here and you write it down as a truth, then you prevent the development of this truth, because then you think it is fixed. So, if you let it just sink and you forget about it, after some time it comes up. At the right time, it comes up. This is not a truth that who have thought up. It is not a truth that you follow because I said it. This truth come to light in your own soul, and it fits you exactly.

One consequence of what I have just said is, that as a therapist you don't attempt to find the complete truth for the client. You refrain from thinking that you can solve all of his or her problems. It is sufficient if some important point has come to light. This is like a spark that after a time kindles a huge fire.

Okay, that was my introduction today. Now I will continue with the practical work and, perhaps, some beautiful truth will shine up

Trusting a Greater Soul

I want to say something about this kind of work. It differs very much from usual psychotherapy. In usual psychotherapy the therapist is trained to work with the individual person. The person comes with an individual problem and he applies his skills to help that person. It needs a long training to be able to help that person and according to the training he will be good therapist or not such a good therapist. Some of the methods taught are designed that they can be repeated. Like in a scientific experiment you can repeat the same experiment if you set the same conditions. Therefore, in scientific psychotherapy very often there is the notion that you have certain methods and if you apply them correctly, the success will be sure. In this way there is no regard for the soul of the people. This has something mechanical to it.

Here I don't work actually myself. I can make very little use of my skills, because the outcome is not dependent on my skills. There are other forces at work that decide whether I will be successful or not. If a constellation has been successful, it is not because I was good, but because the soul of that person and, at the same time, a greater soul have arranged for a good solution. So I have to be in tune with a greater soul, a soul that takes care of all people in the same way.

If somebody comes to me and says, "You must work with me, otherwise I cannot solve my problem", then what happens to me. At that moment I lose my connection to the greater soul. And the person asking me in that way is not in tune with the greater soul. Therefore, those who are very eager to work with me, don't give me or the greater soul a chance to help. Therefore, I don't choose people because they ask me. I don't choose them because they are on the list. I choose them in accordance with the greater soul. Sometimes I feel, yes I must work with that person, and sometimes I feel, no, I must not work with that person.

If someone is very eager to work with me, he or she will not learn here from the other constellations, because they are fixed on me. Therefore, they fail to learn from what is offered here to the whole group. Very often if somebody is just attending to what is going on, trusting the greater soul they find a solution without working with me. Something else has been operating. Therefore, this work only succeeds if we are in tune with something that is beyond us.

The same applies to the representatives here. Some of them may be very good therapists and sometimes they think, oh yes that would be a right move. At that moment, they rely on their skills, but they may lose contact with the greater soul. So, as a rule, if you are a representative, don't move before you are really driven by something within which is irresistible. And don't have any intention or wish to help the client. Otherwise you take the place of the greater soul. And this will fail. The movements of the greater soul are very slow an it takes time until they show. So I give the full time to the development of that movement of the soul.

Sometimes you may feel, Oh, what I feel now that is wrong. For instance if a man here suddenly feels an incestuous love for his daughter. He may be afraid to say this, because he may be afraid that people think that he himself has these feelings. But he is a representative. He feels the feelings of the person he represents. If he does not say what he really feels, this will block the constellation. Whatever a representative shows here, are not his or her own feelings. They are the feelings of somebody else.

I may tell you something from the last constellation. This man was the representative of the oldest boy in the constellation of his mother. The woman told me afterwards that this boy who is eight years old, always expresses the wish to die. So the representative expressed very correctly in the constellation what was actually going on with this boy. It was also quite clear that we could not help the woman. So, if I cannot help her, it may show that she is not ready, she is not in tune with the greater soul, and I must not interfere by any other methods in order to help her. I have to bow in front of the greater soul.

The Dignity of the Therapist

The therapist always keeps his dignity. If somebody plays with him, he will not work with him. This is very important. Just as the therapist respects the client, the client has to respect the therapist. If the client has hurt the therapist in a certain way, he has to make amends for it so that there will be an equal basis again. She has to show due respect. The therapist takes revenge by not working with that client.

There is also, of course, a hierarchy. The client wants something from the therapist. Therefore, the therapist takes first place. Sometimes clients treat therapists in a way that they say, "You must do that for me." They put him down. So they take the lead. Then I tell them, "If you want to take the lead, please go on, but without me, of course."

The Double Shift

I will explain something about this. The way she talked about it implicates that we have to do with a double shift. What is a double shift? Usually we find a double shift mainly with women, strangely enough, with a few exceptions.

A double shift works like this. There has been a woman far back in the family who has been hurt by a man. This woman did not revenge herself, she just suffered. But behind her suffering, there was a lot of anger. Then some generations later, a little girl like her takes up the rage of this woman. She feels exactly the rage of this woman that was repressed by this woman. That is the shift in the subject, between the persons, from that other woman to her. Then this rage is expressed, but not toward the person who hurt the other but to an innocent person like your dear father. That is the shift in the object.

HELLINGER to the client  Does that make sense to you?

CLIENT  I don't feel satisfied about the attitude of my father toward my mother.

HELLINGER to the group  She is still in the double shift. She will always be hurt quite independently of what her father says. I does not matter what he says, because she does not react to what he says. She has the feelings of another woman and she expresses them without any connection to the context.

Many quarrels in a family between men and women have their origin in a double shift. You can see whether there is a double shift. They always quarrel about the same thing. People from outside don't understand it. There is no obvious reason for the quarrel. It is like Chinese shadow boxing. You see the shadows of people boxing, but not the real people.

Orders of Love between Systems

I will say something about the orders of love between systems. Within a system, those who were first have a higher rank than those who came later. Parents come before their children, the first born takes precedence over the second born and so on. Between systems, the new system takes precedence over the former one. If a couple marries, then this is a new system. This system takes first place with regard to their families of origin. That is why both have to leave their families behind in a certain way and give their energy first of all to their new family.

If they have been married and, let's say, the man has a new relationship and in this new relationship he has a child, then this is a new system. So the man has to leave his family and go to the new wife. This is difficult to understand, but any attempts to solve the problem in another way, fails as a rule. For instance, a man has seven children with his wife, and he meets a new woman, he sleeps with her and she gets pregnant, then he has to leave his wife and the seven children and go to this new wife. Of course, he remains responsible for his children and for his first wife, but the first wife cannot demand that he returns. But the new system is only created if there is a child. A love relationship alone does not establish a new system. But if they have a child and the child is aborted, it is nevertheless a new system.

Problems are Supported by a Good Conscience

Another secret.

to NETRA  I tell secrets one after the other here. Usually, when a client comes to a therapist, he or she does not want to solve the problem. They want that the therapist confirms their problem. That is why, when they start to talk about their problem, they begin to hypnotise the therapist, so that in the end he agrees to their problem as they state it. Hypnosis takes a little time, so the therapist avoids being hypnotised by allowing only three sentences.

Of course, you have seen so far, when they presented their problem, it was not their problem. I had to find out the problem. It was quite different as they expected. Now, also in this connection, if somebody has a problem, he has it with a good conscience. If you solve the problem, he has a bad conscience. Because if you solve the problem, he goes another way than is allowed by his family. Therefore he feels guilty with regard to the family. Therefore you can have solutions only with a bad conscience.

Sometimes clients talk about their illnesses - these may be terrible illnesses - but they smile. Isn't that strange? So, they need their illnesses in order to have a good conscience. A good conscience means in this context that they feel that because of their problems and their illnesses they have a greater right to belong to their family. In the last constellation, the mother by following her mother had a good conscience. Her daughter, the client, by going to death following her mother, had a good conscience. She feels, she belongs to them. And her son, by dying, has a good conscience. He feels, he has a greater right to belong than before.

There you see, therapy is not so easy. You have to be very careful. But once you know something about these laws, go ahead.

The Collective Conscience and its Laws

CLIENT  Inside, a part of me, wants to save my parents. I feel they want to disappear.

HELLINGER  I tell you a secret. Every child. without any exception, who wants to save his or her parents, will fail. In this way they put themselves above their parents. This will certainly fail. I will explain this in some detail.

One of the great insights of family constellations is that we are guided by an unconscious conscience., by a collective conscience. It is a very special group that is guided by this conscience. This collective conscience takes hold of the group and it drives them to actions which they cannot resist. It is a small group which is directed by this collective conscience. I will tell you now who these people are. It is very important that you bear this in mind.

To this group belong the children, then the parents, then the brothers and sisters of their parents, their grandparents and, sometimes, one or the other of the great-grandparents. These are the blood relatives. This means that, for instance, the brothers and sisters of their grandparents do not belong to that group, and cousins do not belong to that group, only those who I have enumerated. But sometimes this goes even further back, as we have seen today in the first constellation.

In addition, other people belong to that group who are not blood relatives. These are those who have made room for the one or the other within that group. For instance, former partners of parents or grandparents have made room for the later ones. They belong to that group. That is the reason why I sometimes ask whether the father or the mother were married before or whether they have been in a significant relationship. For instance if the father had a relationship with another woman and they had a child that has been aborted, then the former woman belongs to the system, and the aborted child also belongs to the system.

In addition, if there has been a murder in the family, the victims of the murderer belong to that group. Or if there had been a victim of murder in the family, then the murderer also belongs to that group. I cannot explain, why, but it is very clear from family constellations that they belong to that group.

The collective conscience follows certain laws, very important laws. These laws are unconscious, but they come to light through family constellations. The first law is, nobody must be excluded from that group. Nobody who belongs to this group can be denied membership of that group. If this is done, then a member of this group from a later generation has to represent the excluded person, for instance a child that had been given away. But they do not know that they represent this member. It is this collective conscience which picks them up and drives them in a certain direction. This is an entanglement. Therefore, the solution is that the excluded person will be incorporated again in this group. Then the person who had been entangled in the fate of the other person will be free from the entanglement.

There is a second important law in this collective conscience. Those who have been earlier members of the system have a higher rank than those who have been members later on. Therefore, parents have a higher rank than the children. and the first born has a higher rank than the second born.

This law is very strict. If anyone violates this law, he or she will be punished by the collective conscience. For instance if this client says, she wants to save her parents, not only will she fail, she will be punished by the collective conscience. If I as a therapist would allow this or support this, I would hurt her.

If she does this, she does it out of love, and she feels good and innocent. And yet, she is acting against the laws of the collective conscience. Although she feels innocent, she will be punished if she attempts this.

I will demonstrate in a very brief exercise what the solution is.

Hellinger selects representatives for the parents of this client and places them side by side. Then the places the client in front of them.

HELLINGER tells her  Now you tell them, "You are big and I am small; I remain small." Now you go on your knees and bow deeply to the ground, hands forward and palms up.

to the group  This is the solution. The parents are big and the child remains small.

to another client whom he had questioned before  By the way, this is also a very good exercise to get rid of back ache.

after a while to the client  Now you look up to your parents. How do you feel?

CLIENT  They are bigger.

HELLINGER to the group  Here I have established the right order according the laws of the collective conscience.

to the client  Look up to your mother and tell your father, "Mother is much better than me."

CLIENT  Mother is much better than me.

HELLINGER  Tell her too, "You are much bigger than me."

CLIENT  You are much bigger than me.

HELLINGER  "You are big, and I am small."

CLIENT  You are big, and I am small.

HELLINGER  "You are the best woman for my father."

CLIENT  You are the best woman for my father.

HELLINGER to the group  You saw, she was father's daughter, father's darling. Father's darling fails. Especially, she will have difficulties when she marries a man. Because father's daughter has no respect for other men. Mother's daughter has respect for other men.
The same applies for mother's son. Mother's son has no respect for other women.

to the client  Now I did some therapy with you after all. Okay? Good.

to the group  Have I made that clear?

The difficulty with entanglements is that we do what is to our own damage with a good conscience. She, for instance, was sacrificing her son with a good conscience. Only if you know all these connections, will you be able to do family constellations. Fortunately, since Netra has translated "Love's Hidden Symmetry", you find the details of what I have just said in this book. This is a very great help now for those who want to practice family constellations.

On Love

I may say something about love and human relationships. When a man and a woman are young and they meet and fall in love, they think, this is heaven on earth. And, of course, it is in a way. It is wonderful for a time. But does the man see the woman, and does the woman see the man? No, because that is called love at first sight, and at first sight you don't know much, of course. So, the man loves an image of a woman, and the woman loves an image of a man. For both, the man and the woman, the image is the same. It is the image of the ideal mother. Both think they have found the ideal mother. But after some time they find out, that this is not true. Then begins the love at second sight. This means that both have to see the other person as he or she is. And, what is more, they have to love the other person exactly as he or she is, without any wish that the other person should be different.

pointing at a young couple in the audience  Here we see an example of love at first sight.

Now we don not only have to see the other person as he or she is. We also have to recognise that both are entangled in their family. They bear a burden of their family and they cannot change this. So, love at second sight means that you love the partner not only as he or she is, but also love their family exactly as it is. This is not so easy. But if they succeed in this, how much dependable their love will be. Then it has strength.

But in the course of time, both partners make different experiences. They develop in a different way. They change. So after thirty years, the partners are not the same as they were when they first met. And we have to love this development as well. We have to love our own development, our own experiences, and we have to love the development of our partner and his or her special experiences. And it may well be that after a time their ways part. Not because they are bad or perhaps they are guilty. No, they just develop in a different way. So if that relationship breaks up, nobody is defeated. It is only an illusion that is defeated.

So you can tell your partner and your partner can tell you, "I love you, and I love that which guides me and you in a particular way." So, even if their ways should part, by consenting to this kind of love, they remain in a way connected, even if they part. This is love at second sight, a very deep love. It is not the love in heaven, it is not heaven on earth, it is just plain earth. But in reality there rests the full strength

to the client  Did it help you?

CLIENT  I understand it mentally, but I still feel sad.

HELLINGER  That is appropriate.

to the group  You see, if a relationship breaks up after so many years, especially if there have been three children and so many common experiences, it is appropriate to feel sadness. But this kind of sadness, if we allow that, helps us to overcome that. That sadness is a sign, how deep the love was. So it is appropriate. If we make room to such a sadness, after some time, we feel free.

On Couples' Relationships

I will say something about couples' relationships. They only succeed on an equal basis. As soon as one of the partners has pity on the other one and wants to save him, she behaves superior and makes him small.

to the client  That why he must separate from you. His dignity demands that he separates from you. Now look for something better, for an equal partner.

Dramatic Feelings

I want to say something about feelings again. She was showing dramatic feelings. These were her own feelings, not the feelings as a representative. A representative never shows dramatic feelings as long as he or she is in contact with the person they represent. So, if somebody goes into a dramatic feeling, it may be advisable to exchange them with somebody else. You can never rely on dramatic feelings. You can spot dramatic feeling by one sign. They close their eyes. They don't look at the other person. I want to mention this, so that you have a certain orientation on how to proceed.

to this representative  You look much better now.

Honouring the Sufferings of the Chinese Women

I have a strange image. It is strange that here we very often get such feelings. It is unusual to get them like this. And I had a vision that this has something to do with the sufferings of the Chinese people, especially of the women, the Chines women over many generations. This breaks through in women here. But it does not help. It does not help those who suffered, and it does not help those who express it.

to the client  Now you come here

He places her in front of the audience.

HELLINGER  Now you imagine that you look at all the women who suffered. You look at them. Open your eyes and bow with deep respect.

After a while, she bows deeply and remains so for some time. Then she straightens up. After a while, she bows again, stays so for some time and straightens up again.

HELLINGER  Ask them, "Please smile at me."

CLIENT  Please smile at me.

After a long while, she begins to smile. Then she straightens up and expands their arms.

HELLINGER  Open your eyes. Look at them like this, exactly.

After a while, she lets her arms sink and places both hand on her chest. She breathes deeply and weeps quietly.

HELLINGER again after a while  Okay?

She nods and goes to her place.

HELLINGER after a while to the group  I will make a little meditation with you. Close your eyes. - And as she did, look at all those millions who suffered and died. - and you see them in the realm of the dead, all lying there, those millions who suffered, - who were despised. And you look also at those who hurt them and treated them badly. - They are also dead. The victims are dead, and the perpetrators are dead. And in the realm of the dead, they just look at one another, see what they suffered, see what they did to others.

And when they see this, they begin to weep. They just weep. - And then they al stand up and turn toward the East, look at the horizon where there shines up a white light. And they all bow before that white light, and thus they remain with deep respect, facing this white light. And you also bow with them before this white light. - And then slowly you retreat, leaving them there bowing before that white light. And you retreat further and further, until they disappear far away. Then you turn and come back to the realm of the living, and you look forward.

after a long while  Okay. Now you may come back. This is the end of today's session.