Bert Hellinger
Family Constellations for Teachers - Taipei University 2001

Lecture at the Department of Education of Taipei University on October 10, 2001 ( Netra was the organizer of that workshop). You´ll read about some parts of family constellations performed by Hellinger on stage as well.

"Now I stay alive"
Questions and Answers from the Audience
Men and Women

(See the according video announced here later at 0:03:50 - 0:24:19)

Thank you for your kind introduction and for your invitation to this department. I gladly came here because I have been trained as a teacher myself. I have been teaching at schools for some years in South Africa, and only later I switched to psychotherapy. But whenever I do psychotherapy, I feel like a teacher. Here too I feel like a teacher. I want to share something with you that I have discovered over some years.

I have been influenced by many great people, and one of them who is especially close to my heart is Kungtse. When I had discovered some of the dynamics in families and I read Kungtse, I found that I had come very late. The most important things had been said by him before. But I discovered a method by which hidden things in families can be brought to light. Because many of the important things about families that had been discovered and had been practised before, were forgotten over the years. By family constellations they are brought to light again. Not just by being taught, but they are made visible in an experiential way and can be felt as true. I will describe briefly what that means.

"Now I stay alive"

Think of a teacher who he has difficulties with one of his pupils. That pupil is not very attentive at school, is often distracted and he can't learn. So the teacher says, "What shall I do with this pupil?" Therefore, he came to a seminar with that pupil and with the parents of that pupil, and he asked me to help. Then I did a family constellation. There, on the one side, stood the teacher and the pupil who was about 14 years old, and opposite I placed the two parents. In a family constellation, when they stand in the constellation, they suddenly feel in a very special way.

When I looked at that pupil, I saw he was very sad. I just looked at him and said, "You are very sad." And he began to weep. At the same time, his mother began to weep. One could see, there was a very close relationship between this pupil and his mother. So I said to him, "Your are sad in place of your mother." This is something that comes up in family constellations, that children very often take over a feeling from their parents. It is not that they are sad by themselves, but they take over the sadness from the mother without knowing the connection. So I saw, this was not the problem of that pupil, the problem was with the mother. Then I made an important move.

I took the mother and led her away from the family. Actually she was going away from the family. When she stood there outside, I asked her, "Do you now feel better or worse?" She said, "I feel better." Isn't that strange? How could she feel better when she left the family? There must have something happened in her family of origin which made her go away from her present family. So I asked her, "What happened in your family of origin?" She said, "I had a twin sister who died shortly after birth." Now it came to light that she, in her heart, wanted to follow her sister, in fact that she wanted to die like her.

Here something comes to light, that very often in a family people want to follow after a person without consciously knowing this. We see that very often. For instance, if a mother dies early or a father dies early, one of the children wants to die like them. The question is now, "How can they be helped? How can they gain the strength and the will to stay alive?" This was the question here too.

But first I made another try. I placed the mother back to her place. Then I took her son and placed him at the same place where his mother stood before. That would mean, that I tried out whether he wanted to go away like her. But I did no know whether this was really true. So I asked him, "When you stand in this place, do you feel better or worse?" He said, "I feel better." Then I asked the mother, "How do you feel, when your son stands over there?" She also said, "I feel better." Now what does that mean?

The son feels in his heart that his mother wants to go away and die, and he says, "Dear mum, I do it in your place." These are some of the dynamics which come to light through family constellations, that somebody wants to die, and another person says, "I do it in your place." This would mean that this pupil actually was suicidal. It was difficult to keep him alive. Now when the teacher saw that - it was a woman teacher - she felt real pity for that pupil. She could understand him better.

This was the problem and now the solution. In many families difficulties arise if one of the members is excluded, if that person does not have a place in the family. In this family the twin sister was excluded. She was not remembered as a real member of this family. Therefore, we had to complete the family. I selected a representative for the twin sister and placed her opposite the mother of the pupil. As soon as she stood before her twin sister, the two embraced with deep love. From the twin sister of the mother of the boy, very deep love flowed to her living sister. Then I let the mother say to her twin sister, "I will follow you into death."

That is what she actually wanted to do, that was in her heart. I brought that sentence to light. I let her look into the eyes of her twin sister and say, "I want to follow you into death." But when she said this openly in the eyes of the twin sister, she saw that the twin sister did not want this. Because both sisters loved one another. So the twin sister said to her - I let her say this -, "It is enough if you follow me afterwards; stay alive as long as your life can last." So with the blessing of her twin sister, the mother could tell her husband and her child, "Now I will stay alive."

As a result, the boy no longer had to leave as well. He could say, "Now I stay alive." This shows how, by very simple means, in a family constellation we can reach a solution for such a difficult problem.

In family constellations usually we proceed in the following way. A client selects from a group representatives for certain members of his family, including a representative for himself. Then he places them in relationship to one another. As soon as they are placed these representatives feel like the people they represent without knowing anything about them. Therefore, by family constellations the secrets of a family come to light.

(A Demonstration follows, documented at the Video 0:24:19 - 1:21:32)

I could demonstrate this here. For instance if there are some of you who teach already and who have a difficult pupil, they could present the case here and I would try to set it up to demonstrate a solution. Is there somebody here?

(Another Demonstration follows, documented at the Video with comments at 1:121:37 - 2:01:20)

Now I did not think that I would have to be confronted with such a difficult constellation just at the beginning. Actually, this kind of dynamic in a family very easily leads to schizophrenia. In schizophrenic families you can see that the schizophrenic person is identified with two people, with a murderer and a victim. Not in all cases of schizophrenia, but in many schizophrenic families you find a concealed murder several generations back. Imagine how a person feels if at one time she feels like a murderer, and at another time like a victim. It is so terrible that she has to escape this into confusion. In this family I would actually think that this daughter is in danger to become a psychotic. The way she described her behaviour was already psychotic. But now, since you saw this, it may change. You have to entrust her in your soul both to the grandmother of your husband and to the killed uncle. This may have a healing effect.

Of course this was more a psychotherapeutic constellation than a constellation for ongoing teachers or training teachers. Just imagine if you are in school and you are confronted with a child that is very aggressive and loses her mind, then you may suspect that there is a dynamic like this in the family of origin. Then you don't say, this is a bad child, because the child cannot escape this by good will. There are other forces necessary to help the child. Then you can go to the family and ask them, "What happened in the family of origin that is special?" Are there secrets which people do not want to speak about, secret like this here? Perhaps they say something. Even if you do not do any therapy with them, just by talking to them about such possibilities will have an easing effect on all members.

This constellation took a very long time, so I did not have a chance to say more about the dynamics in families, but, fortunately, Netra has translated a book of mine where these dynamics are explained with many examples. If you are interested, you may get it outside. In addition, there will be a workshop at this weekend, where you can watch family constellations.

Now I will give a chance for asking questions.

Questions and Answers

After the constellation, the daughter did not move to solve the psychotic problem. Is there anything that the mother could do?

Of course, this was just the beginning. It gives her a chance to think in quite a new way. But the main thing is that the two people, the grandmother and her killed son, are given a place in the family. So we must not say "the bad grandmother and the poor child of her", because we do not know what the dynamics were behind the grandmother. Just have pity on both of them, on the grandmother and her child. And then she should do what I told her. She should entrust her daughter to those two people. So, instead of being afraid of them, they are given a chance to look friendly on her daughter. This may have a healing effect. Any other questions?

When the representatives feel like the people they represent, is there any hypnosis applied?

No, there is no hypnotic movement in any way, because as soon as they stand there, they feel like the people they represent without knowing them. Although these people here had no idea of what was going on, we could see the movements in them and how they changed The therapist also does not know the people. Therefore, he cannot influence them in any hypnotic way that they feel like the people whom he does not know himself. Very often, the representatives even get the symptoms of the people they represent. Their heart may be racing for instance. They change their voice, get a headache for instance, get stiff and cannot move. So it shows, there is a connection between many people. there must be something in common which unites all of us with other people, and we know about them without having heard anything about them. This force which unites many people together, I call "great soul."
Now this goes both ways, not only do the representatives feel like the people they represent. If something has been solved in a family constellation, the members of the family are affected by it without knowing anything about it. She may be surprised to find her daughter changed when she comes home. This happens sometimes. Any other questions?

When the representatives go home, will it have an effect on themselves and their families?

Not with the representatives, of course. But they had an experience which they could not have otherwise in their lives. So, they have gained some new experiences. This may help them but it does not change anything in their family.

In the constellation, you did not always rely on the representatives but you took some steps. Was there any information that guided you?

Here I took some action because I had to shorten this. And some of the representatives were not quite familiar with this. They were still shy. Sometimes, I have a constellation where I don't interfere in any way. The people move as if they were driven by an inner force and then find a solution without any interference on my part.

Is it always so that people find the way themselves?

No, it depends on the circumstances. Sometimes I interfere and I guide them because I know something about the dynamics of families. So here, at the end I knew how the constellation could be completed.
Normally, a family feels best if the husband stands at the right side of his wife, and the children stand opposite in such a way that the first child stands right and the second child stands at the left side of the first child and so on.
If in a family at home, people sit at table in this order, then you can see the difference. It makes a big difference. You can try it out.

If you would have chosen other people as representatives, would it have made a difference?

It does not matter who is chosen as a representative. They all have their personal history in a way, but is does not interfere in a way which distorts the constellation.
They did an experiment in the United States. They brought up the same problem and were working with it in five different rooms. The results were very close. So it does not matter at all who is chosen. Once the people are in there, they feel like the real people, regardless who they themselves are.

How do the former generations affect the later generations. Is it similar to the Chinese faith in fate. What is the dynamic behind it?

I found out that the members of a family in a wider sense are guided by one common conscience. The following persons belong to this particular group that is guided by one common collective conscience: the children and their parents, the brothers and sisters of the parents, the grandparents, some of the great-grandparents sometimes. These are the blood relatives. In addition, some other people belong to that system. All those who made room for somebody in this family. For instance former partners of parents or grandparents belong to that system.

Within that system there are certain laws operating. These are enforced by this common conscience. The first law is: nobody must be lost to this group. If anyone is excluded from this group, because perhaps they are feared or they are forgotten, or they have behaved in a way which was against the rules of that group and were then excluded. If anything happens of this sort, then this common conscience picks later on a member of this family to represent the excluded people. Therefore, very often in the next generation or even in the generation after the next, somebody feels and behaves like a person of a former generation, even if he does not know anything about them. This is an entanglement.
By family constellations such entanglements can be brought to light and resolved. If you want to know more about it, come to the workshop. Sometimes, it may be sufficient if you just read the book.

I think I can conclude this presentation now. Once more I want to thank for the invitation. I wish you much success in your studies

Men and Women

I hear, there is more time left. I did not know how much time was available. Then I will say something more general about men and women. Shall I?

The relationship between a man and a woman is the basis of human society. How does such a relationship succeed? This is most interesting for everybody. Why does a man want a woman? Why does a woman want a man? Because the man misses something that women have. And men have something which women lack. So both are in need of something which they lack and which the other person has. That is why they are attracted to one another.

A relationship succeeds if the man remains a man and if the woman remains a woman. Well, you laugh, but in modern psychotherapy very often it is demanded that men develop female qualities and that the women develop male qualities. Now if a woman has developed male qualities and the man has developed female qualities, where is then the attraction? Therefore, men must remain men, and women must remain women.

But although both are different - men and women are completely different almost in every respect --they must acknowledge that they are both equally good. Only if this is acknowledged that men are equally good and women are equally good, then the relationship has a good basis.

In addition, a relationship develops in a good way, if there is a balance of giving and taking. When one of the partners gives more than the other, then the relationship cannot develop. They both must give and take at the same time and at the same level.
Now, how does a relationship grow. Let's say, the man gives something to the woman. When she receives this, she feels obliged to give something in return. But because she loves the man, she gives him a little bit more. Then he feels obliged, and because he loves her, he gives her also a little bit more. So the exchange develops and grows. The more of this kind of good exchange, the deeper the love and the deeper the happiness. This is easy to understand, of course.

But what happens if the husband hurts his wife? She has now the urge to retaliate. She feels, she has a right to hurt him also. And because she feels right to do this, she hurts him a little bit more. Then he feels, he has the right to hurt her again. And because he feels right, he hurts her a little bit more. So the mutual exchange is in the negative way. Many relationships function in this way. The negative exchange also binds the couple together. But they are unhappy.

Now how to change this. We cannot escape our drive to give something back, be it positive or negative. If I have been hurt, I feel the right to revenge myself. But when I love the other person at the same time, I hurt her a little bit less than she me. This is a great secret of happy relationship. If a couple can understand that they have to revenge themselves with love, then the exchange can be in the good way again. So far about couples' relationships
Between parents and children, there is also giving on the one side from the parents, and receiving on the other side by the children. Children also feel the desire to give something back to their parents. But they can never level out. Parents always give more than children can return to them. So children always feel indebted to their parents. The same applies in schools. A teacher gives more than the pupils can return to him. But even here there is a way to balance out.

Parents give, children take, and if they have taken so much, they pass it on to their children. So they feel free from the obligations toward their parents because they have passed it on to their children. Whenever there is a situation where we cannot return the good we have received, we pass it on to somebody else, and then we feel good.

I think, I have explained enough today. I think, I can conclude now this lecture and this demonstration. Once more, I wish you all the best and good success in your studies. And thank you once more for your invitation.